A Path To Clarity And Healing

Welcome to the 12-Step Program, a supportive course of action for those experiencing the challenges of hearing voices and gangstalking. You are not alone on this journey, and we are here to help guide you toward a brighter future.

Step One: We Humbly Admitted Ignorance As To What The Source Of Our Affliction Is

     This step is so important because your belief towards who "they" are is the contributing factor for your state of mind, and until you are willing to admit complete ignorance, your emotions will be subjugated to your belief. This, unfortunately, is the phase most people are stuck in. The brain is so confused and desperate for an answer it all too eagerly clings to what makes the most sense to pacify itself.

     There was a time when I "knew" this was just psychosis. Then I “knew” it was my neighbors. Then I "knew" it was my family. Then I "knew" it was the local police. Then I "knew" it was an ex-girlfriend that hired a harassment company. Then I knew my current girlfriend was in on it. Then I knew it was an ex-employer. Then I knew it was the government with advanced tech. Then I knew it was schizophrenia. Then I knew it was demons. You see where I'm going with this? Up the ladder I went and with each explanation I conjured up, the voices were more than happy to instigate and play that exact role. This always led to me feeling angry, gullible and often led to regrettable moments.

     This is a familiar pattern within the community (and people that experience the signs and symptoms associated with being a "Targeted Individual") where innocent people are confronted and hurt and the TI winds up looking stupid, psychotic, or worse, arrested. This is what needs to stop. People lose years of their life (sometimes decades) chasing the explanation and never just returning to a normal healthy life.

     The goal with this step is to not get lost in the endless squabble over conspiracy theories (which is always used by "them" to further enhance your madness) but to return to productive living as quickly as possible. The objective with this step is to develop a mindset that is content amidst the confusion. Since the existence or nature of what we’ve come in contact with is currently unknowable to us, some feel that it can be pointless or distracting to attempt to form images or theories. There is a Buddhist lesson and parable that makes a similar point. The Buddha always told his disciples not to waste their time and energy in metaphysical speculation. Whenever he was asked a metaphysical question, he remained silent. Instead, he directed his disciples toward practical efforts:

     “Questioned one day about the problem of the infinity of the world, the Buddha said, ‘Whether the world is finite or infinite, limited or unlimited, the problem of your liberation remains the same.’ Another time he said, ‘Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first.”

     So, what we’re doing with this first and proceeding steps is working on removing the arrow first and learning how we do that. What exactly is required for this step? The only thing that is required is the ability to say, "I don't know." It's that simple. When we can humbly say to ourselves, “I don’t know,” it's a release of arrogance and the beginning of complete honesty with yourself and others that opens an individual to being receptive to all possibilities that may make themselves known, as opposed to the one you’ve become fixated on that is creating the majority of our delusion and anger.

     The man that knows everything can learn nothing. Socrates said, “I know that I am intelligent because I know that I know nothing.” When you believe they are any one thing, your thoughts and behaviors will be a direct reflection of that belief. As long as they remain behind the veil, you are free to fill the form of the mold of your choosing, not theirs. When you give them a label, you negate yourself into becoming something out of your control. I often wonder if that isn’t the point. To give the individual the opportunity to develop authenticity of character and values.

     Acknowledging and admitting that I have no clue who is behind this is what I've been able to take advantage of in a major way. Only then was I free to remove my mind from finding comfort in or having conflict with the source. What you believe you know will conform your understanding to that belief. I banged my head on every brick wall at the end of each of these dead-end roads. Conversations about the “perps” and their whereabouts (especially in the beginning) only served to drive my already anxious mind into more anxiety and confusion. Theories abound and I went mad, lost in the endless debate of who these entities are with the voices confirming every trivial, trifling thought I had towards them.

    The longer you take to search for them, the longer you remain hidden from yourself. Paradoxically, the sooner you become unhidden from yourself, the sooner they recede. You are meant to think for yourself and reason right from wrong according to your true character. As long as I continued to search for an origin, I always failed to find myself. I was stuck forever seeking an object of explanation and never found mental fortitude. I just wanted someone to blame. Someone to cast my hate upon. When I was finally able to say the mantra, “I don’t know. Nor do I expect myself to know,” it was the greatest response to the voices that always wanted to shove their diverse identity into my head.

     These steps were developed to help an individual cultivate an equanimous mindset. Remember, it’s not that we’re not smart enough to figure ourselves out, we’re just ignorant. Admitting that ignorance in complete honesty does wonders for a frustrated and confused mind. Let me be very clear, I am not suggesting complacency with your confusion. I am suggesting contentment with it. It’s ok to be confused. We expect ourselves to know too much given our proximity to phenomena, but it’s called phenomena for a reason.

     Go easy on yourself and remember, the next time your racing mind is getting spun out of control as to the who, what, where, how, when of the matter – say to yourself and them over and over and over again, “I don’t know. Nor do I expect myself to know.” This has nothing to do with stupidity or acquiescing, but everything to do with humility – freedom from arrogance.

Step Two: We Set The Intention To Not Respond To This Experience In A Way That Would Cause Emotional Or Physical Harm To Others Or Ourselves.

     First, let’s discuss why the phrase “we set the intention” is used. When someone has an intention to do something, it’s not an immediate action. It is, however, dedication to act upon something at exactly the right time. Often, in moments of grandeur, we make sporadic decisions, and we mean well in the moment, but when the grandeur fades, we struggle upholding that decision. Then we go through a cycle of shame and hypocrisy and a feeling that we let ourselves down. But when we simply set the intention to do something, we’re putting something beneficial and nourishing on the backburner of our minds. It’s not a decision to immediately follow through with an action in the current moment, it’s a dedication to follow through with an action at exactly the right moment. If we never set the intention to do something, it will never get done. So, essentially, it’s the beginning of a series of events where the appropriate mindset begins to be cultivated to tackle a proposed action effectively and efficiently.

     Moving on…. I identify as a Targeted Individual, and I am no stranger to fear. Very few people will fully understand the immense distress placed on the mind, body and emotional state of a person that finds themselves engulfed by this phenomenon. Let me make a clear distinction between fear and scared. Scared is when you enter a seemingly empty home and your relatives pop out from behind furniture and scream, "SURPRISE!" Scared is when you open your shed door, and a rat comes darting past your leg. Fear is a consistent sense of impending dread that threatens your very livelihood. Fear suggests innocuous concepts and environments mean you harm as if the world itself is out to devour you. It's a state of mind, not a point in time. The sheer terror of takeover was often unbearable. That song "Master of Puppets" by Metallica was no longer attributed to drug use or addiction. When faced with the dreadful realization that every aspect of my emotional, mental and physical makeup can be manipulated and controlled by someone/something else, it was an emotion of undiluted fear. There's nothing like it.

     That reality hit me like a Mack Truck and there was nowhere I could run and hide. Apart from taking my own life, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I went through bouts where it felt like my entire life's accumulated negative biochemical makeup was being regurgitated from somewhere deep within, forcing me to feel decades of shame, anxiety and pain in a matter of minutes. I could be having dinner at a restaurant, or at the movies, or going for a walk... it didn’t matter. The anxiety begins in the crawlspace of consciousness and boils upward through the first, second and third floor eventually blowing out the attic and chimney stack. I had nights where I put my head through bathroom doors screaming “Get the Fuck Out!” at the top of my lungs. My girlfriend would hide behind bedroom doors for the night. I remember nights being on all fours shaking my head like a pit bull that has a tire in his mouth does, just because it was a relief. I feared for myself and my family. So, how do we avoid these embarrassing moments without omitting the fear we feel onto others?

     Notice when it’s coming. Often there is a very slow build of anxiety placed on the mind with accompanying voices. They will mimic or comment on your every thought. If you don't hear the voices, rely on the sudden shift of mood. Maybe out of nowhere you are experiencing a misplaced irritability or finding faults and harboring unnecessary resentments on undeserving people and events. This is a clear indicator of the build. If you do hear voices, they are often whiny and annoying in their tone. This will go on for hours or the whole day with the intention being that your climax is an overwhelming impulse to display a verbal or physical outburst. When this happens, we're often embarrassed at our own behavior and left wondering why we behaved in such a way. I've noticed that the impulse has a verbal or physical response that is already set as a trigger, and that trigger is complete with implanted imagery. It’s an image of the exact reaction they are attempting to get you to reach.

     When you feel the slow build of anxiety or merry-go-round of voices beginning a repetitive pattern of annoyance, immediately envision the climax. If you allow this to play out, what is your typical response? Hitting yourself in the head? Screaming at the top of your lungs? Substance abuse to dull the senses? Punching the wall? Often when you envision the climax with your eyes closed it will literally, visually flash across your mind. Do not respond and let the moment pass. Once you envision what your typical impulsive response would be to this tactic, then think about the physical and emotional aftermath had you allowed it to get that far. You're embarrassed, your family is frightened, your friends are worried, you feel defeated. Then be thankful you did not allow it to get that far and be ready for the next round. It gets easier every time you do this but be mindful always of its initiation. There's NOTHING wrong with removing yourself from the presence of others until these bouts subside. I've had to remove myself from machinery at work in the past and "blow off steam" away from cameras.

     These voices go from friend to foe in a matter of sentences, especially in the beginning stages of this experience attempting to transition confusion into sheer panic. Remember, they exist to overcome, not to become. Let me say that one more time: They exist to overcome, not to become. That is their purpose. Be mindful to never personify those that torment your mind, lest you torture others in becoming a directed energy weapon with your words and behaviors. Reality for a TI is the awareness that everything, including your thoughts, is potentially manipulated. With awareness of such a reality how do we shield ourselves? Our hatred is used as fuel. Our anger is exaggerated to hurt others. Our confusion is spun out of control until we make fools of ourselves. Our impatience leads to hypocrisy.

     Throughout my journey I have noticed something they do not manipulate: Love. Compassion. Gratitude. Empathy. Kindness. Forgiveness. These qualities we must mindfully work twice as hard as others to achieve during this tumultuous time. Yet, it's the laborious acquisition of such qualities against all odds that amplifies them once achieved!! We learn to value these attributes and understand why "unconditional" is an adjective for these traits.

     Yes, there are entities that persistently attempt to sway the mind against itself and others through delusional and grandiose thinking. We must stay strong and toe the line of equanimity distinguishing harmful, unrealistic perceptions from beneficial, uplifting ones. You DO NOT have to be the uncontrollable effect of their unknown cause. If your mind and your character is under attack, then fall back on that which is unconditionally unmanipulated! Love yourself and others. Forgive yourself and others. Be thankful in the face of anguish and watch it diminish. It uses hatred and anger as a control mechanism.

     Little things make all the difference. It takes 5 minutes out of your day to anonymously encourage another person in pain online.... Help each other. Share your turmoil, your stories, your triumphs and your hope. You DO NOT have to struggle in mental solitary confinement.

     In the end, what I let go of was my response to their antagonization. It's the cycle of cause and effect and I learned that I have control over my responses to other's causes. My fear of provocation always stood to engage my fight or flight response, and that fear only existed due to my inability to handle my emotions. I used to lay on my back and say to myself, "This emotion is not of me. Although it is in me, it is not of me. My environment does not call for this to exist. This emotion, like all others, is temporary (transient) and it will pass. I have no attachment to this emotion." Saying this when hit with the extreme, evoked states of emotions helped tremendously and I hope it does for you. One of my biggest adversaries was thinking I was of no use to anyone.

     I can’t stress the importance of reciting mantras while going through this. Saying mantras to yourself over and over again creates a state of mind that serves as an offensive and defensive measure simultaneously. Try saying this to yourself over and over again, "I exist to love. I exist to forgive. I exist to overcome. I exist to be thankful. I exist to help those in need." It takes time, yet time and consistency are changes greatest notaries.

Step Three: Came To Understand That Our Mind Is Under Observation

    I can’t begin to stress the importance of fully grasping this step. It’s a game changer for a lot of people and will be difficult to grasp if you haven’t done steps one and two. Also, if you don’t experience the V2k or hearing voices aspect of this phenomenon it may be difficult for you to fully understand. But let’s start off with the varying stages of coming into “awareness of observation.”

     When I began hearing the voices, they simply narrated as if I was eavesdropping on a conversation being held about me and my current activities. I just listened and would respond in action attempting to throw them off or I’d play into what was being spoken. I’d go mad wondering who these entities are that can see everything I’m doing. I was stuck in a cycle of contemplating how the hell they’re doing it. Often, they’d create scenarios for the sole purpose of having me respond to it, just to make a fool out of myself. It’s for this reason that step two dedicates us to not respond to this orchestration in a way that will cause harm. It wasn't until this overheard dialogue began being directed towards me that I responded verbally. First, I would respond audibly, still thinking there was a hidden recorder/microphone device planted near me, or my cell phone was being used. I remember going through a phase where I was mouthing my responses, thinking my words were being lip-read. This, I thought, was possible because, at all times, there was a camera on me.

     Eventually, what happened was I responded to the voices I was hearing in thought, and they responded back! A lot of people are not at this stage and are still responding physically and audibly to words and statements being spoken about them. Typically, first they speak about you, then they speak to you. First you respond physically, then you begin to respond mentally. Your inner monologue becomes an inner dialogue. And in a lot of ways this was great because I stopped looking without and started looking within for answers. It’s a drastic difference and a milestone in the experience.

     The amount of property damage that had been occurring stopped completely. I finally stopped ripping apart my vehicles and apartments. I was able to take off the tape covering my cell phone camera because I realized the whole phenomenon was happening in my mind often manifesting in my environment. I realized that whoever this was I was able to hear all these years had been responding to my thoughts and my perception of my environment.

     All observation of external environmental conditions is perceived by our sensory organs (our eyes, ears, nose, skin, tongue) but it is ALL processed in the brain. It’s a game changer when you realize that all communication and manipulation is occurring because of your perception of reality. A lot of people think that they can see through your eyes. That is absolutely wrong. We don’t even see through our own eyes! The pupil acts like a doorway for light to reach the retina at the back of the eye where the image is formed and processed by the brain. And that is what is being observed, not your actual environment.

     When the conscious, awake mind becomes aware it’s being observed, but with no environmental observer (meaning an observer that exists outside of yourself in your environment) it’ll seek an explanation outside of itself because it doesn’t make sense. The brains number one job is to demand order and when something like this occurs that is completely out of order, it’ll make sense of things anyway it can. And that's totally normal and indicative of a healthy mind! However, not being fully aware of what was occurring, a condition known as apophenia formed, where I began to put nonexistent pieces of a puzzle together. I mean, the term, “awareness of observation.” is the definition of paranoia. You become aware someone is watching and because of their inability or unwillingness to identify themselves, potentially has ill intentions. But if you currently are or have ever been a religious person this is not an unfamiliar concept.

     For as long as man has been able to document, he has been documenting some sort of observer behind the scenes of all of our minds. God, Satan, angels, demons, Jinn, Kami, Devas, spirits…. whatever. What this occurrence does is transition the brain from believing (or having faith) to knowing. Our need for faith has been eliminated. We now know that the mind is under observation. We’re all aware we’re being observed and a lot of us hear voices that coincide with our present moment thought processes. But if you assume the observation is taking place from within your immediate environment, you will seek an explanation within your immediate environment. If you assume or believe the voices you hear are occurring within your environment, you will seek an explanation within your environment. (Read that again)

     We often hear the voices inside of our heads and we hear it commingled with ambient noise (running water, exhaust fans, air conditioners, cars rolling down the street, wind). Sometimes background conversations taking place on the television or the next room are indistinguishable, but we hear a conversation directed towards us. Usually very negative or threatening in subject matter, entire conversations are often recreated based off our own fears and paranoia's resulting in remorseful reactions.

     You figure, your entire life you've operated under the false belief that your brain has been a sanctuary of privacy where all thoughts and all things envisioned are permissible without persecution. Now your brain is aware it is not alone and is freaking out. It's still your brain, it’s just aware of observation. The possibility that my mind was not alone was too much to handle and was utter nonsense. My brain did exactly what it is supposed to do and demanded order. Instead of information in our environment going inward through our sensory organs and being processed, the information goes directly to the brain and bypasses the environment. To alleviate itself from the confusion, my brain sought an explanation outside of itself. Unfortunately, this led to embarrassing and regretful moments as my neighbors, family, friends and complete strangers received the brunt of my psychosis.

     The voices (always two males and a female) would antagonize and instigate my behavior based off my thoughts. Always using fear and anger tactics trying to push me into some scenario. Once forcing me into a rehab, then threatening to kill me while on my way to rehab! Not my fault, not your fault. I've watched others go through this without the ability to hear the voices. It was terrifying, to say the least. When demanding and unquestionably harmful statements are spoken into the mind with the individual not hearing it, it registers as a notion of their own cognition and the individual is inclined to follow through with an action not of their own volition. Of course, they believe it is of their own volition and attempting to dissuade them that their line of thought and current course of action is absolutely ridiculous is extremely difficult. Rest assured; these are all implanted thoughts by unheard voices.

     It's insane what the mind does when it becomes aware it is under observation, let alone being persuaded by voices that are responding to this awareness in real time. The madness created in the unconscious intertwines with the conscious mind. These entities we hear speak to us on a lower frequency that is usually reserved for sleep and dream states. The state where fears are dealt with. I theorize this is why we hear a high pitch ringing and have issues with fatigue. Their voices operate in the same way as onomatopoeia's do. The sound we perceive becomes the voices we hear on a much lower unconscious level giving us the perception that it occurs within our environment, but it is all entirely within our own minds. Often, the part of the brain that is responsible for filtering out ambient noise is the part of the brain that is picking up what is being spoken to you giving the illusion that the voices are occurring outside, but it’s all inside. Understanding this is the precursor to introspection.

     I would venture a guess and say that their entire manner of operation is performed at varying levels of unconsciousness. Being aware of this while awake can lead to a nightmarish reality, depending on the sanitization of your unconscious arena and level of self-awareness. I truly believe what occurs for a lot of us is a slow integration of our unconscious mind into our aware conscious mind through the intertwining of lower asleep brain frequencies with higher awake frequencies. And I believe this because many of us, me included, hear and speak to these voices in our dreams while we’re sleeping.

     From gamma to delta, this phenomenon interacts on a wide array of frequencies. All the battles we typically face in our dreams become our reality and we're left with little choice but to think it's reality unless you understand what is happening. When I came to this realization, it was the precursor for exiting the hellish gangstalking phase. We are all having the same experience, just some of us are at different levels of awareness. And that doesn’t make anyone any better or worse, or smarter or dumber. We’re all a part of, not apart from. These steps are designed to bring everyone up to speed and make sense of this occurrence all across the board.

     Be mindful of what thoughts originate from you and what thoughts are not from you. As your mind becomes peaceful, your expression of that state of mind will be evident through your speech and actions.  If any of you have ever listened to me speak, you’ll know that I do not deny the fact that gangstalking does occur with real operators but consider the possibility that those you believe are gangstalking you are, themselves, unaware why they are doing certain things. If those things are happening at all. Consider the abilities of those targeting us, how much control they have over our reality and never underestimate the susceptibility of the human mind to being manipulated. We’ll get deeper into the topic of manipulation in step 7 but know that fear will often find an explanation in undeserving environments and people.

     If there’s one thing these steps all work towards it’s the cultivation of a balanced mind. That’s the definition of equanimity. Calmness and evenness of mind. That’s the mind that is needed to get through this and help others get through this. Otherwise, we’re just victims.

Step Four: We Set The Intention To Abstain From All Substances That Drastically Altered Our Perception Of Reality

     Before we get into this step, an important disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a licensed therapist, or any kind of “ist.”  I am in NO position to inform an individual to stop taking prescribed medication. If you are taking prescribed medication that helps, that’s awesome. If you have a desire to stop taking it or titrate off of it, speak with a professional.

     I used the word “drastically” in this step because we’re speaking about hard narcotics that tend to further intensify addictive behaviors. I mean, this one should go without saying and quitting often automatically occurs for a lot of TI’s. If you’ve already quit all substances, fantastic, this may not apply to you. If you’re still struggling, I understand. I am a recovering drug addict and alcohol. I struggled with drugs and alcohol for over twenty years. I lost count of how many detoxes and rehabs I’ve been in. Sometimes I’d have little white-knuckle victories that would last a short time but would inevitably always relapse. What this step really comes down to is power and control. Gaining control back over your own mind and allowing your brain to get back to place of biochemical homeostasis.

     Your imbalance will be used against you.

     My drug of choice was methamphetamine, and this is a pretty relatable issue for a lot of people. When you deplete the brain of serotonin and dopamine it’s not that your creating fear or paranoia, but there’s no chemical counterbalance there to fight against the adrenaline and cortisol – which is fear. I went for years with my fight or flight response fully activated. Small things like going to the grocery store became giant obstacles of fear to overcome. Meth makes one hyper aware of (and easily persuaded by) a manipulation that is always occurring. I feel I kept breaking into an arena of consciousness I had no business being in. Especially in the condition I was in. These entities scared me out for years, coming and going, finally sucking me in on a more permanent basis. It's like I had pay-per-view to this nightmare for years only be given free streaming service so I'd appropriately choose to want neither.

     And then, of course, your sleep is sporadic. When you don't sleep for days at a time your brains subconscious and unconscious experience becomes interlaced with your conscious experience. All the extreme fears faced within the confines of your dream state begin to run congruently with the awake state of mind. Trying to function in a normal world with the unconscious world superimposed is a disaster waiting to happen.  

     I’m going to share a story with everyone that I’ve only spoken about with my girlfriend, Rebekah. Before I got sober, I was traveling and while in Denver, Colorado I bumped into some random kid at a train station that offered me some Suboxone. I’ve never really been an opioid user and if you take Suboxone with no other opiates in your system, it’s the same as doing opiates. I took a whole strip while on the train heading downtown and by the time I got off the train it kicked in. I remember bits and pieces of the next few hours. I walked in circles for hours lost. Blacking out, then coming to and kept seeing the same landmarks over and over again. I was just going around in city block circles. This wasn’t like dipping out. It was like I kept getting put down mentally into sleep mode, but my body was in auto pilot mode.

     On one of the occasions when I came out of the sleep mode, I looked around at unfamiliar scenery and the male voice I hear chimed in loud and clear and said, “I’ve never had so much fun with this guy.” That was some scary shit! I had completely given autonomy of my mind and body over to some unknown entity with an unknown agenda! I became a walking zombie puppet for these entities and if you really think about it, I could have been used to gangstalk someone. Picture the scenario: I’m just mindlessly walking around for hours in circles, totally oblivious, being steered out of my control and someone else tweaked out on meth sees that and thinks they are being followed and the voices in that person’s head confirm it, “that guy is following you!”

     When we give control of our minds over to unknown entities, we are used against one another. Stop giving them control! I speak to a lot of people that stop using drugs and the associated TI symptoms begin to recede, then they relapse and it’s like a double relapse. The TI symptoms come right back often worse than they were to begin with. Again, this step is about regaining control and power over your life. It’s about coming to the realization that without you, all substances are powerless. If I have a bag of drugs and a glass of beer in front of me, they themselves, are powerless. Like everything else on this planet, if left alone, it’ll expire. It’ll evaporate. It only has use, power and purpose when I make the conscious decision to digest them. Don’t ever get it twisted in your head. THEY NEED YOU FOR PURPOSE. Not the other way around.

     Set the intention to never subject your mind to an entity that will exploit its imbalance. We are all from the same planet. Earth, right? Earth works because it’s perfectly balanced in that goldilocks zone. Not too close to the sun, not too far away. Just the right amount of spin and atmospheric conditions to bring forth abundant life. That is what we are from and a part of, a balanced biosphere and we are meant to emulate that which we come from. Stopping substance use is not easy, but this whole TI process is about regaining impulse control and mental fortitude.

     When I was an active user, I was a complete slave to an unnatural chemical that thought for me, made decisions for me and created a detachment from reality which created a detachment from the bonds and connections with other people that truly mattered. Quitting substances is a great first step towards respecting your body, your mind and your spirit. It’s also the start of creating memories with the appropriate emotion attached to the memory. When you’re intoxicated every minute of every day, the memories you are creating are all lies. Your whole life becomes a lie because a walk in the park is not meant to have the same emotion attached to it as riding a roller coaster. Undiluted hindsight becomes impossible. When I quit, it was a nightmare going back and reevaluating my past because I became so emotionally detached from reality. I was blind to the hurt I was causing in other people’s lives.

     Also, looking back at my previous substance abuse, I showed zero respect for the fact that I am a landlord of consciousness. I just kept treating my mind like a chemical waste facility and wondered, “How could I have possibly exposed myself to some entity that began treating my mind like its own personal playground of torture?” Another community member I’ve become friends with never used meth but was a heavy DMT smoker, and after a month-long binge of using DMT was physically, bodily attacked by some entity that came through a portal he saw. The entity verbally assaulted him with all the normal derogatory stuff we hear and attacked his body for three weeks before leaving and leaving him with permanent back damage.

     And again, step one, I humbly admit I have no clue exactly what the source or origin of this affliction is, but it’s very evident that our minds are susceptible to attack and manipulation when we consume substances that stand to alter our perception of reality. So, if this is a problem for anyone, start by setting the intention: “I set the intention to abstain from my drug of choice.” Never hesitate to reach out to someone within the community or direct message me personally if you are struggling with thoughts of using. Because it always starts with a thought. The unchecked thought becomes a lust. The unchecked lust becomes an action. The action becomes regret, and we find ourselves enslaved to ourselves once more.

Step Five: We Began To Cultivate A Spiritual And Philosophical Foundation Based On Precepts That Truly Resonated With Us.

This step is all about perception management and eliminating frustration that develops from unnecessary confusion. Because here's the messed up aspect of how these entities operate: They will confirm everything and question that confirmation simultaneously. My voices always used to say, "Stand up and take a bow!" or "You hit the nail on the head with that one, Kevin!" after an aggressive round of contemplation. These are very encouraging statements, but if your allowing such accolades from hidden places to manipulate your mind into believing something that doesn't resonate with you, you stand to become a puppet controlled by the words of others. They'll go from accolades to accusations in a matter of minutes.

One minute it's "You hit the nail on the head" and the next minute it's, "You don't really believe that do you?" Much is done for the sake of testing the sincerity and integrity of our foundation. This is exactly the reason why the next step (Through mindfulness meditation we sought detachment from emotional polarities) is set in place and why all these steps are in the order they are in. The mind is always torn between, "Is it this or is it that?"

These steps assist an individual in remaining unaffected by the polarities so it really doesn't matter what it is, the mind remains equanimous. They allow anyone to have the ability to say, "Whether it is this or that is irrelevant, as I remain enough in the present moment. My perception towards my life's purpose renders your identity and agenda irrelevant." Great ease of mind resides in such concepts and mantras. Appropriate answers find the individual when this occurs. Adopting an ideology that serves as sound moral conviction and can always be fallen back on for reliable guidance while going through this process is invaluable. If there is one word that encompasses what this step is all about, it would be "conviction." Because your mind is always torn between what is real and what isn't, a little conviction that has a sound backing goes a long way.

The foundation you choose will shape the course of this event and has great potential in strengthening it or crumbling old world views. I use a Biblical story to make sense of why conviction is so important. In the book of Romans chapter 14, verse 5 Paul is addressing disagreements within the early Christian community regarding certain practices, where some people might consider certain days more sacred than others or have particular dietary restrictions based on their interpretation of the law.  Paul's response was, "One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind."

The core message is that individuals should not criticize or condemn others for their beliefs or practices as long as they are SINCERELY CONVINCED in their own hearts about what is right. He tells them to focus on peace, upbuilding, and avoiding quarrels. Conviction is a powerful psychological tool. Things that may morally make sense to me, may not make sense to someone else and the slightest wrinkle in your moral fabric will be attacked repeatedly by these voices.

A big part of this process is running an individual through a series of "why's?" Why do you believe what you believe? Well why do you believe that? Well why do you believe that? It's for this reason I always impress maintaining an equanimous mindset is so important. When someone first becomes aware of observation, immediately their mind is subjected to finding an answer or a cause for such an affliction. Most people tend to revert back to what they know best and were raised with. But if that inherited upbringing is even the slightest bit shaky, the entities behind this orchestration go on the offensive. Having a logical response that is based on a firm conviction serves as a great defense.

Most will rely on a widely agreed upon moral backing. There's nothing wrong with going with the flow, as long as the current is propelled by conviction. Adopting somebody else's flow because you refuse to think for yourself is always used as ammunition by these entities. It's okay to be an individual and explore other avenues of explanation. Our life experiences are as unique as we individually are and as such, we're not all going to agree with one another. I agree with Gandhi who said, "In reality there are as many religions as there are individuals."

Here's the real question to ask yourself.... Can my experience be understood and explained by this philosophy I have chosen? Does Christianity have an explanation and a remedy for what is occurring in my life? Does Islam have an explanation? Does the Law of One offer sound advice? Does Buddhism have a reasonable explanation for this? Where can I find similar experiences and reported accounts of this occurrence in scriptures? If I apply these principles in my mind and in my life, will it result in a better balanced version of myself?

Ask yourself a question when choosing a spiritual leader, guru, teacher or philosophy: Would I trust this person to pack my parachute? Would I trust Jesus to pack my parachute? Would I trust Buddha to pack my parachute? Would I trust Joseph Smith to pack my parachute? Would I trust L. Ron Hubbard to pack my parachute? Does this belief that I choose create a harmonious mindset that will result in having a harmonious environment?

I mentioned in a previous comment - testimony from other Experiencers that begin practicing stoicism has proven to work wonders.

The four principles of Stoicism are:

Wisdom: The knowledge of what is good, evil, and neither, and using that knowledge to make logical decisions.

Justice: Doing what is right and just, and treating others well.

Courage: Acting in a resilient way despite fear and anxiety.

Temperance: Practicing moderation in all aspects of life, and controlling impulses and emotions. The Stoics believed that they don't control the world around them, but only how they respond.

This step is also about community. Getting involved in a church, temple, weekly meetings. My girlfriend and I attend Dharma Recovery which is a Buddhist version of AA. Holding yourself accountable to a group of people that share similar beliefs is always beneficial.

In my mind, I make no mistake that whoever is behind this is highly intelligent, yet makes a pretentious display of stupidity in alignment with my level of ignorance.... which always left me feeling stupid. I had no right to ever feel stupid for being ignorant. I had no right to reflect their facade of stupidity. True conviction is determined by not allowing "their" lack (or increase) of oppression to convince you of anything other than what you believe to be right! This is accomplished through dedication. Being able to rebuttal in your inner dialogue while under attack, "I don't care what you say, or what you are attempting to make me believe, I am dedicated to my convictions."

Vacillation was always viewed as weakness and used against me. In the absence of dedication to a conviction, vacillation is quickly spun into immense confusion resulting in anguish. Looking back at this process, it never mattered how much I thought I knew. What mattered was how much belief I held in what I knew to be morally true. I only ever had as much power over this as my level of conviction allowed.

Step Six: Through Mindfulness Meditation We Sought Detachment From Emotional Polarities

     If anybody is thinking, "Well, I don't want to practice mindfulness or meditation," well, it's a little late for that. This experience forces it onto an individual. Not only do we become hyper aware of our own thought processes, we become aware of implanted thoughts and, for a lot of us, we have little option but to hear the incessant badgering of multiple voices. I’ve heard up to six or seven at one time in the past.

     Mindfulness meditation essentially has two parts: attention and acceptance, and an article from the American Psychological Association articulates this well: The attention piece is about tuning into your experiences to focus on what's happening in the present moment. It typically involves directing your awareness to your breath, your thoughts, the physical sensations in your body and the feelings you are experiencing. The acceptance piece involves observing those feelings and sensations without judgment. Instead of responding or reacting to those thoughts or feelings, you aim to note them and let them go.

     Alright, so we have a firm description of what mindfulness meditation is and the meditation aspect of this does not require sitting in place in some Buddhist pose for an undetermined amount of time, it can be a passive pondering that is performed at any time of the day. So picture your body is split in half. And one side says yes and the other side says no. One side says this, the other side says that. Right, wrong. Guilty, innocent. Intelligent, stupid. Beautiful, ugly. Black, white. Good, evil. Perpetrator, victim. Successful, unsuccessful. Fat, skinny. Here, there.

     I often didn't know my left from my right. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't real. They were out to get me and here to save me. My mind was set against itself and began developing an aversion to itself. This step is meant to eliminate confusion because confusion is the real enemy here. The opposite of confusion is truth and truth is often relative to the individual and their self-perception. The less of an emotional attachment you can have to their statements, the more inclined you'll be to logically analyze what is said to you and find what matters most in life. The real battle here is the battle between your brain (or ego) and it's normal function, and your spirit (or higher self) and its normal function.

     An effective exercise I've found is to envision yourself, in spirit form, holding your brain in your hand. We’re a very form reliant species so whatever you picture your spirit self as looking like (maybe just an aura or some light being), picture that aspect of yourself holding your organic brain in its hands. As you observe it you notice its biochemical reactions. You see the chemicals being produced but are just an observer. It has nothing to do with your spiritual self. You see the language it processes, but are not concerned with it. You see the cause and effect of a derogatory statement spoken to it and the release of norepinephrine. You say to yourself, “this brain is angry.” You see the cause and effect of a compliment spoken to it and the biochemical release of dopamine and say to yourself, “this brain is happy.”

     Typically these biochemical responses are a result of the minds interaction with its environment. However, with the TI experience, extreme emotions can be the result of something you are unaware of occurring in the recesses of your mind or a direct cause of what the voices are saying to you. Both heard and unheard. The concept of observing how your mind responds remains the same though. Mindfulness meditation is a common practice these days, but most people don't have the sanctity and privacy of their thought processes violated. This is not an easy practice to perform when your attempts at remaining indifferent towards your thoughts are mocked by an unseen entity. We're forced to find indifference towards ourselves and "them."

     I've never had an experience like this that forced me to put the nature of consciousness and my mind into question to such a degree. You know, one thing I’ve always stood firm on throughout this ordeal is my understanding that these voices, whoever they may be, do not comfort your weaknesses or console your insecurities, they exasperate them beyond measure until you no longer have an emotional attachment to them and as long you cling to what is being spoken to you the longer you’ll be trapped in a state of suffering.

     This level of mindfulness dredged up an awareness of how my motives work. I often would convince myself to believe that something was right just to indulge in a behavior I knew was harmful for me; which we’ll talk about in the next step – manipulation.

     I mean, due to self-preservation people often, naturally, have selfish ulterior motives. But if you're at least mindful of your ulterior motives without prejudice, you stand a chance to make an impact in a beneficial way. A lot of times when these hidden ulterior motives have a spotlight shone on them, we have an emotional response to our awareness of selfishness. And it’s important that it’s indifferently addressed.

     If you were painting a piece of abstract art and made a brush stroke that didn't quite look right, should you feel guilty over that? Should you feel angry? Should you feel ashamed? Of course not, how does having an emotional attachment towards a work in progress accomplish anything? The same concept applies to you. You are a work of abstract art in progress. Every thought you think, word you speak, action you take is a mere stroke of a brush on the canvas of existence. Sometimes we don't like what we see and that’s ok. Examine why you don’t like it without prejudice towards yourself, set the intention to correct it and let it go, remaining untethered.

     In closing, I want to touch on something very important. We may never know who or what is behind this and great frustration arises because of that. However, truth about one's self is readily available. These truths are found in realistic perceptions and self-perceptions that transcend any evoked or natural emotion that may be associated. Whether anger or overwhelming joy is placed on the mind, truth about one's self remains. Whether fear or love is placed on the mind, realistic perceptions remain. In the absence of emotion we find truths that transcend circumstances.

     The anonymity alone of the entities is every reason to pay their exaggerated statements any mind. The exaggerated evoked emotions are as artificial and disingenuous as they are. As I went through this process, I never perceived the quietness, calmness and conviction in my mind as confirmation of anything. These voices would go from quiet to chaos in minutes. I do, however, perceive the stability and manageability of one's environment as confirmation their mind is in the right place.

Step Seven: Came To Understand That Reality Is Awareness Of Manipulation

     What are we aware of? We are aware that the mind is not only susceptible to manipulation but is, in fact, in a constant state of being manipulated. It's as if there is a firewall of confusing dialogue that resides between the conscious and unconscious mind threatening to drive all who attempt to get too close to the truth into a state of madness. I often feel it serves to keep the masses in a state of self-doubt and stagnancy lest we get ahead of ourselves.

     For as long as man has been able to document, there has been documentation of some sort of interdimensional manipulation occurring behind the scenes. Regardless of where you believe the manipulation originates (and if you've fully done step 1, you're dedicated to remaining open minded), there's no denying it occurs, just at various degrees.

     As a TI, we understand the possibility that all the world is a manipulation. An orchestration. Theatrics meant for the individual. Yet, as maddening as this understanding can be, our awareness of this fact can be our greatest strength. We have a choice in how we respond to the orchestration. We can understand that those who seemingly mean us harm are not even aware that they are possibly being manipulated. From my perspective, those that often appear to be "in on it," are potentially, unknowingly being manipulated to say and do things not in accordance with their normal thought processes. Of course, there's always the situation where someone gets their rocks off just messing with a person that is in state of paranoia and psychosis. Assholes do exist, both online and off.

     Although our circumstances and thought processes may be manipulated, your ability to see and hear the manipulation is reality. Reality is awareness of manipulation.

     Let's briefly examine that word, "manipulation," for a moment. In itself, it sounds evil. Yet, "manipulation" is a neutral word. It may not be natural, but it is neutral. Its negative connotation often eliminates its neutrality. Whether or not you benefit from manipulation determines how you perceive it. Prayer is a form of manipulation: "God, please heal my sick wife? God, please help me pay these bills? God, help my child get off drugs? God, please help me get a job?" Essentially, we're asking God to step in and manipulate the minds and bodies of other humans, or ourselves, so we get our way. And we have no problem with that because we can't stand discontentment. The only difference would be our acceptance of positive manipulation. We would accept it without question because we are all caught up in the pursuit of happiness. I mean, who questions why good shit happens? Nobody. We just accept it and go about our merry way. But make no mistake, a cry to God for help is a plea for metaphysical manipulation. When positive manipulation occurs, we call it a miracle! When negative manipulation occurs, we call it bad luck, witchcraft, voodoo, demonic oppression, mind control, V2K... whatever.

     It's all manipulation.

     I strongly believe this phenomenon occurs for everyone and that the unconscious arena of mankind is inhabited by the persuasive voices of other entities, but not everyone is aware of it because they are unable to hear the dialogue in the deeper recesses of their unconscious while awake and do not experience the energy manipulation to the extent we do. Those people are, unfortunately, unknowingly manipulated into saying, thinking and doing things that eliminate their free will. But if they are unaware, then to them, they have free will. When I think about that reality, I am thankful I hear it and at least have the opportunity to choose whether or not I respond to the voices and evoked emotions.

     If positive life situations were imposed by these entities, the way that people treat you would be just as undeserving and fake as experiencing negative street theater or workplace harassment. But make no mistake about it, both are an orchestrated illusion. The negative circumstances are imposed because we learn and grow stronger through adversity.

     Is it easier to hate someone that hates you or love someone that hates you?

     Where does the growth reside in that scenario? Orchestrating a positive scenario only provides an aware individual with a false sense of accomplishment. Overcoming a negative orchestrated scenario, even though it is a manipulation and you are aware of it, is still an actual accomplishment. Of course, if an individual is unaware of the orchestration behind a positive scenario, the accomplishment is reality to them. So, for me anyway, to be aware of positive orchestration of a scenario, one should never feel a sense of accomplishment, only manifestation. The synchronicities experienced are an indicator that the strenuous thought-form you’ve exacted against the evoked anxiety of mind are blossoming into conscious reality. I've come to find that not all manifestations are worthy of exploration as some thought-forms are rooted in chaos.

     Our emotional attachments to life's circumstances govern our propensity to be manipulated. Let me say that again... Our emotional attachments to life's circumstances govern our propensity to be manipulated. The key to becoming and remaining free of manipulation is "detachment." If you've been doing step six, this will begin to go easier for you. When fear is evoked in the mind and the environment is not the cause of it, the mind will find an unrealistic explanation. Fear will find a reason to exist until you have a firm grasp on your mind. When fear is evoked after you've gotten a firm grasp, it'll register as unexplained confusion leading to anxiety, frustration and anger. It's important to identify the lit match slowly approaching the detonating cord and promptly blow it out.

     Heredity deals the cards and environment plays the hand. But, if you're a TI, you've come to learn that there are cheaters sitting at the table. They will manipulate the game in every way possible. They'll pull from the bottom of the deck, hide cards up their sleeves, bully the pot and coordinate with other cheaters. And even though you see this happening and feel helpless against it, you're forced to play your hand anyway! It is what it is.

     Before you get too discouraged, there is something you have to understand: No matter what they say and what they do, no matter how hard they try to convince you to fold and give up....

     You have the winning hand.

     You've already won. The constant attempts they make to get your attention, the persistent bombardment of voices, waiting until you are asleep and unconscious to manipulate your dreams and attempt a spill over, the constant conflict with confusion.... Perceive it as tempering and temperance is what you’ll receive. Please understand that all the theatrics and orchestration around you are a manipulation of your mind and the minds of others attempting to get you to throw in your winning hand. Don't be fooled and learn from others that have been sitting at this table longer than you. Put your poker face on, show no fear, call their bluff always and live your life despite, not in spite, the manipulation. In the end, you'll come to find they knew you had the winning hand the whole time and just wanted you to play it against all odds. The only thing to fear is yourself and your response to the manipulation of the game.

Step Eight: With The Understanding That Manipulation Occurs, We Forgave Ourselves Of All Previous Wrongdoings

     This step is all about letting go and there’s a story about how monkeys are captured in India that expresses the importance of being able to let go. A coconut is hollowed out and a small hole, just barely large enough for the monkey to fit his hand inside of, is drilled in the top of the coconut. The coconut is either staked into the ground or attached to a cord after being filled with peanuts or candies. The monkey passes by the coconut, wiggles his hand inside, gets a fistful of peanuts and cannot remove his hand from the coconut. It'll hold onto the peanuts or candy until taken into captivity.

     The fascinating part of this trap is the monkey's belief of what it is holding onto. For all the monkey knows, the peanuts and candy are laced with rat poison. It's essentially holding onto a belief that whatever is in its grips is worth being incarcerated or killed for. It's holding onto an expectation that the peanuts inside that coconut are exactly as nutritious and nourishing as every other peanut it has ever eaten. But it doesn't really know for sure. It's holding onto a belief and an assumption based off memories. Rather than cut ties and live to fight another day, it’s willing to trade its liberation for confusion.

     It can be difficult to ascertain whether we were the cause of our own suffering in the past. Immense confusion is born from this phenomenon. We are led to believe things that are not true and have often acted inappropriately according to those beliefs. Others have suffered because of confusions that did not originate from us. I have experienced, involuntarily participated in and witnessed, firsthand, acts that were not in accordance with the concept of free will. This led me down a dark path of unaccountability.

     Such questions arise: "Was a problem intentionally created so these entities could play the role of a savior? Have I been reaping what some unseen entity has sown my entire life? Were these voices manipulating me to harm myself and others before I could hear them? How much of my life has been manipulated leading me down more dark paths than I care to remember? How much of the careless, nefarious and criminal activity that I found myself involved in can I actually be held accountable for? The most minute interference at any point would have changed the trajectory of my entire life. Am I to be held accountable for eternally being at the wrong place at the wrong time?”

     With the awareness we have, these are legitimate, difficult questions we face. These are the kinds of questions that cause the mind to fluctuate from gratitude to hatred in minutes. Rather than attempting to answer these questions without any degree of certainty, it's best to forgive yourself for any confusions that may have caused suffering. Let it go and start anew. I went through intense periods of feeling stupid and confused, putting everything I had ever felt guilt over into question. I hold myself accountable from the moment I became fully aware of this manipulation. Although I believed prior I was acting in accordance of my own free will, I now realize I had none. When unaware, I believed I had free will. Free will while living unaware of manipulation is a farce. I know too much now.

     Whether it be in thought or action, recognize that guilt and shame are two primary sources of attachments keeping us in bondage to our regrets and our past self. One of the greatest “God-like” attributes of being human is the ability to forgive yourself in the face of something so inhumane. We forgive because we possess the ability to do so. So much of what they say is highly irrelevant and our brains (which are always trying to make a relevant connection) feed into nonsensical statements. Not your fault. It's the sign of a healthy brain that is being used against you. You'll think and feel a lot things you don't want to just because you didn't want to. Take it easy on yourself. Let go of every thought that is not pushing your mind in the right direction.

     If you are fully aware, you have a free will unknown to the general population. They know nothing of the manipulation we've been exposed to. If you are fully aware, you have no excuse as to why you should choose to further engage in behavior that may cause harm to yourself and others. You've been made aware and given an opportunity to absolve yourself from all prior misdeeds that once smothered you with guilt and shame.

     Never, ever, ever, ever do what the voices tell you to do. NEVER. You are free to adamantly say, "NO! Today, I choose to stand for better." You are free to say, "Today, I am aware and make a choice of my own free will to unconditionally love!" This is all that truly matters. This is a big part of what we're being shown. I hated under the best conditions and learned to love under the worst because the choice was MINE....

     Before you heard them, there's a high probability they were already there in the unheard recesses of your mind influencing your intuition and decisions.

     THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

     You are free to wipe the slate clean of all that bullshit that once held you back. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, remorse, regret, poor self-esteem, negative self-image... you know what these voices harp on. Let it go. It was never yours to hold on to. We’re never the same person twice and are in a constant struggle to be better or worse than our former, and the voices always continued to circulate around things in my life I was holding onto that were keeping me from moving forward. Past guilt, unmet obligations, nonsensical fears and embarrassments continued to haunt me in auditory form until I was ready to face them, forgive my bewilderments and move on. Only to look back now and realize those things weren't mine to hold onto to anyway.  

Acquiring authenticity of change towards the positive polarity:

     This thing will certainly have anyone wanting to do the next right thing just to experience a moment of alleviation from the oppression. The uncertainty of what caused this leaves an individual desperate to rectify the ordeal by being pretentiously good. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do the next right thing or wanting to be good, but if your newfound sense of morality is merely a means of offense, it's not genuine. I struggled greatly with this in the beginning. Grasping at straws of goodness, hoping something would work only be left feeling like a hypocrite. Eventually I had to come into a place of living a life right for me and my family, regardless of what others think about my world views or perceptions. 

     I was always tormented according to what I "believed" I deserved. If I was tormented and found a cause within myself for why it was happening, their actions were justified by my own self-condemnation. This self-condemnation allowed for the torment to continue. There was only one remedy for such an attack: Personifying my own sense of morality.

     The key to the remedy is having a firm understanding of "your own sense." Perfection was impossible. Accepting the fact that I am perfectly imperfect and learning to take it easy on myself and let go of the irrelevant bullshit stopped the self-condemnation. This required a great deal of forgiveness and relinquishment of trifling matters that only stood to keep me tethered to the past.  I'm not required to fit somebody else's mold nor am I responsible for the version of me that exists in the minds of other individuals. I fill the mold I’ve created for myself atop a firm foundation of spiritual precepts that truly resonate with me and hold myself accountable to the version of me that existed yesterday. One day at a time. 

     I came into a place of contentment where there was no zap, poke or prod these entities performed that could be justified. So they stopped. I came into a place of self-awareness where there was nothing these entities said that was relevant. Their rescindment mirrors my vindication, but I was responsible for my own vindication. It appears to be relative to the individual and their own belief systems. This becomes a psychological cause and effect where the next cause (torment) is created because we choose to justify our effect (response).

     It's the "effect" that needs to be dealt with the most because that's where the victim/perpetrator mentality resides. My guilty mindset always found a reason for it to continue (victim). My angry mindset took the abuse out on others (perpetrator). Self-absolution creates a mindset that stands firm against attempted persecutions.   

A Buddhist Prayer sums up how to best handle this step:

     “If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation where I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.”

Step 9 Transcript: For The Sake Of Those That Are Unaware, When Prompted, We Made Amends To People We Have Harmed

     Forgiving ourselves and making amends to people is what makes the next step (We set the intention to remain in the present moment, untethered to our previous way of life) possible. It will be quite difficult to move forward without making the initial steps to reconcile past infractions. And some of us have a MOUNTAIN of amends that must be made. Emotional, financial, judicial, spiritual, family, children, friends, organizations, etc. It can be quite a laundry list that may take years to mend properly. Sometimes we don’t know where to begin and question our perception of guilt.

     There are only two reasons we feel guilty: Breaking our own moral standards and directly harming someone. We dealt with the first reason on the last step, now let's get into the second one.

     When we take part in an action that manifests as suffering for another person, we experience guilt due to the perception of the harm we’ve caused. Some of us, myself included, have lived very toxic lifestyles leading to an accumulation of unresolved inflictions. Unless you are a complete psychopath, guilt is still felt regardless of intention. I’ve unintentionally harmed others in pursuit of my addiction. I was consumed by selfishness with zero regard for the ripple effect on the lives of others.

     These unresolved inflictions haunt us and often manifest as paranoia. But that's what this phenomenon does. I became hyper aware and hyper focused on all the unresolved issues I was allowing to rule my life when I searched for the culprit behind my targeting. Going through the list of potential “perps” is akin to “making a list of all the people we have harmed,” as AA suggests in step 8.

     "Well, things didn't end well with that ex-girlfriend... Maybe she’s resentful and is behind this torment?" Then I went through all the reasons why she would do this to me. And the voices would pretend to be her!! The tone, pitch, persuasive mannerisms... It was an audible version of my ex. And she is just one of MANY scenarios they reenacted. But each reenactment was faced from the guilty perspective of a perpetrator presently being victimized. A big part of my inability to seek forgiveness from others was “blame.” I blamed everyone and anyone for my irresponsible behavior. I blamed my upbringing, my heritage, my environment, my friends, girlfriends, co-workers, parole officers and the court system. Why should I ask forgiveness for something that was CLEARLY somebody else’s fault?!  - I’m being sarcastic….

     It’s easy for anyone to look at the above list of people we blame for our shortcomings and go, “Yeah, you gotta let that shit go and live your best life.” However, with this phenomenon, blame feels absolutely warranted. In fact, this thing makes your worst life worse and lingers around after dramatic positive changes have occurred threatening to make your best life worse again!

     A problem we face when we become aware of manipulation is knowing what we should hold ourselves accountable for. A few beers prior to being the cause of a car accident that takes the life of another human turns a simple accident into vehicular manslaughter. It’s the negligence or involuntariness of the individual that determines the judgement. That really doesn’t apply in our case. There’s no blood test or breathalyzer that can deem our actions as affliction (being caused to suffer) or infliction (causing suffering). Often, we uncontrollably inflict suffering onto others because of our affliction. We’re often stuck wondering what we should assume responsibility for and be held accountable towards when asking for forgiveness.

     Was I the cause of my own addictions? What is addiction? Was it excessive drug use that caused this oppression? Maybe my oppression is the direct cause of my addiction? As a recovering alcoholic that got involved in a lot of drunken shenanigans, I’d often blame my “disease,” as if the whole ordeal was out of my control. Was it out of my control?

     Believe me, regardless of what you are “under the influence” of, the court system will frown upon your behavior the same as if you were sane and sober. The same goes for those we owe an apology. Most just feel offended and trying to explain the true nature of our erratic behaviors falls on ignorant ears. I can’t tell you how many times I felt weak because I had to apologize to my girlfriend for my behavior after lashing during a bout with the evoked emotions. My anxiety used to get turned up to 10 and I’d begin slamming the palm of my hand into my forehead. She, of course, would be scared shitless and hide in another room or just leave the house. After it subsided, I’d always be torn. Why should I apologize for something I was not the cause of? Why should I feel bad? If anything, she should feel bad for me, right? This was not of my doing and if this wasn’t occurring I would NEVER, soberly, act like this.

     I’m fortunate she understands, which always made apologizing easier. But even if she didn’t, I’d apologize anyway for the fear my behavior imparted on the mind of another person. All manipulation aside, a big part of this step is ALLOWING OTHERS to let go. Whether we were manipulated to behave in a way that caused suffering is irrelevant to other people. Most won’t understand or accept that as an excuse anyway. Selflessly taking the moral high ground and allowing those people to release animosity, resentment, anger and mistrust matters most.

     It's a release from blaming others for your behavior, regardless of the cause. Which, given our understanding of manipulation, isn’t easy to do.

     Now, something important to tackle: A lot of us are easily “guilt-tripped,” making us wonderful candidates for such a phenomenon. Some people just want to make you feel guilty for no other reason than as a means of control. Guilt-tripping is a common passive-aggressive technique that people often resort to when they don’t have the skills or language to assertively communicate their needs or feelings. My mother ruled our family with guilt-tripping techniques because it was a form of control and power over her unruly children. A mother’s disappointed countenance goes a long way in manipulating the behavior of her children.

Here's a short list of tactics I’m sure we’ve all experienced at some point:

  • making sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments, like “glad you’re finally paying attention to me”

  • reminding you of their hard work or saying, “I do so much for you, so you should do this for me”

  • bringing up past mistakes, even if they’re not relevant to the current situation, to make it seem like you never do anything right or “good” for them

  • telling you that you “owe” them

  • dismissing your efforts to make things better

  • calling you a “bad” person, friend, or partner

  • “acting” angry or distant but refusing to talk about what’s wrong

     I lost count of how many times I’ve fallen for such subterfuge, always seeking forgiveness for the shortcomings placed on me by other people. This really comes down to self-acceptance and not allowing yourself to feel guilty over the version of you that exists in the minds of others. As a sober individual that is earnestly doing my best to improve, I hold myself accountable to the version of me that existed yesterday, no one else. I fall short constantly, recognize it, immediately apologize if needed, and am mindful to not repeat that behavior. That’s the ABSOLUTE BEST I can do and if that’s not good enough for someone else, that’s on them, not me.

     When we begin making amends it’s important to let it go and not accumulate anymore negative baggage that only serves to keep us fettered to the past. Jim Rohn was an American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker. One of my favorite quotes by him is, “We suffer one of two things. Either the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. You've got to choose discipline, versus regret, because discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.” If we look back at the beginning at the two defining causes of guilt (breaking your own moral standards and directly harming someone) simplicity towards right living and not adding to the tons of weight becomes clearer.

     Doing the next right thing according to the spiritual or philosophical precepts you dedicated yourself to in step 5 is all that is necessary to stop the accumulation of guilt in your life. The discipline part of this quote resides in that alone. It’s that simple. I don’t know about you, but I always did the next right “exciting” thing. I always chose the path of most pleasure, regardless of the outcome. “I’ll deal with the consequences later,” was an all too familiar motto fanning the flames of my dumpster fire life. Never fully adhering to spiritual principles that truly resonated with me was always a reason for remaining trapped in a cycle of suffering.

     Tying into the next step, making amends is a way to live more fully in the present moment. It’s a process of relieving feelings of guilt and regret, which can otherwise keep you mentally anchored in the past. The act of making amends requires self-reflection and honesty leading to one being more capable of living authentically in the present. The emotional freedom gained by letting go of unresolved issues eliminates heavy psychological baggage. By making amends, you free yourself from this burden, allowing you to experience emotions more fully and openly in the present moment. Making amends often involves accepting things as they are and letting go of what you cannot change. This acceptance is a key component of mindfulness (began in step 6) which helps you stay grounded in the present. 

     A lot of times we feel we’re not worthy of forgiveness or maybe our worth is only increased by the acceptance and forgiveness of others. This is exactly the reason why step 8 encourages us to forgive ourselves first and realize we have worth despite the opinions of others. We don't ask forgiveness from others for our own sense of freedom from the past, we do it for their freedom. Like I said in the beginning of the post, the laundry list of amends that have to be made can be quite overwhelming. So, do we cease growth and moving forward with step work until all the boxes have been checked? Absolutely not! That’s counterproductive and the exact reason why “when prompted” is included with this step.

     I was always eager to “make things right,” because the guilt and shame was often unbearable. But the alleviation of shame by receiving forgiveness from others never stopped the impulse to partake in the initial offense once again. Asking forgiveness from others without fully completing all prior steps is a recipe for hypocrisy. Each time we mend a wound and tear it open again, it becomes that much harder to approach and heal it. Completing the prior steps greatly reduces the chances of retearing mended wounds.

     Once I quit all substance abuse, dedicated myself to a moral standard, sifted through and accepted my behaviors of past, gained a fuller understanding of my mental processes, I then forgave myself. THEN I sought to make amends. Some I tackled immediately, whether it was a simple apology or reimbursement of finances. At the present moment, some amends are still too great to tackle. So, I give it up to the universe: "When the time is right and hearts are softened, I will not be afraid to seek forgiveness."

     With the amends I have made, I was surprised at how many people had already forgiven me and just wanted to see me get my shit together. When I began to pray prior to making amends, it was as if the minds of loved ones I sought forgiveness from had already miraculously forgiven me no matter how egregious the act I committed. Each apology was approached with genuine regret and humility. Some of the crimes I’ve committed that I’d like to apologize for require a “reimbursement” that I’m not financially prepared to repair. Nor would I be so foolish as to put my child’s well-being at risk by turning myself in for crimes I’ve gotten away with. Do the best you can with the common sense you have.

     I always remind myself that time and consistency are changes greatest notaries. It takes time and pragmatic hindsight to view the suffering our affliction inflicted upon others with an attitude of indifference and hopefully get to a point where we chalk it all up to “education and enlightenment.” Eventually, we CAN get to a point where we can resolutely stand face-to-face with those we have harmed and say, "This new "me" wishes to apologize on behalf of the old "me" and reintroduce myself." 

Step Ten: We Set The Intention To Remain In The Present Moment, Untethered To Our Previous Way Of Life

     There’s all the usual “present moment” advice we could talk about: Focusing on your breath, identifying objects in your environment, actively listening in on conversations, avoiding multitasking, etc. These are all great techniques, but for the purpose of our particular flavor of experience, I'd like to get personal. This is a VERY paraphrased series of events that unfolded over the last 10 years:

     In 2014, I was 34 years old and my life began spiraling out of control…again. Due to my addiction, I lost my house, my business, my fiancé, my truck, money, communication with my family and due to probation violations, was in jeopardy of losing my freedom. I decided to make a bold move and get away from everything and “go for a walk.” On Memorial Day of that year, I began at the trailhead of “The Horseshoe Trail” which begins in Valley Forge Memorial Park, PA and ends 80 miles northwest where it ties into the Appalachian Trail. That took me 12 days to hike.

     Upon arrival at the Appalachian Trail, I decided to turn right and head to Maine. I got about a half mile up the trail, sat down and dug some change out of my pocket. Examining what little change I had, I saw two quarters, 3 nickels and a dime. One of the quarters was a Shenandoah National Park quarter. I said, “Why the hell not?” made an abrupt turn and began heading south. Two months later I arrived in Shenandoah National Park, VA.

     One morning, after a night of partying with other hikers, I was arrested and taken to the closest federal holding facility in the area. Even a minor offense in a National Park is immediately deemed a federal crime because you’re on federal property. I did not know this. I was taken to Rockingham County jail in Harrisonburg, VA and released 10 days later. After walking out of jail, I passed an artist’s house who invited me in to look at his artwork and have a few beers. We hit it off and I stayed for a year.

     One night I was pulled over by VA State Police who said I had a warrant for probation violations in PA. They searched the vehicle I was driving, found drug paraphernalia in the ash tray, charged me with a felony, gave me 30 days in jail, put me on probation, then I was extradited to George W. Hill Correctional Facility in PA where I spent 3 months and was released homeless with probation in two states.

     After a year, I violated both probations, was taken back to jail in PA, then extradited back to VA where I was ordered to serve an 11-month jail sentence in a maximum security, single man cell. While incarcerated an ex-girlfriend who ghosted me in 2011 found out where I was, wrote me a letter demanding she was the love of my life and insisted we get back together once my sentence was served. I said, “Why the hell not?” and moved in with her into an apartment in New Jersey in 2017.

     I started drinking and using again shortly after moving in, overdosed behind the wheel of my car doing 55mph and drove off the highway where a nurse who just so happened to be behind me in traffic, drug me out of my vehicle and administered CPR for 15 minutes until an ambulance arrived and brought me back with Narcan. That relationship, obviously, did not work out. I moved into a co-worker's house in Mays Landing, NJ who was also a meth addict and I began smoking meth and frequently swiping right on Tinder just “looking for a good time.” I met someone else who also was just looking for a good time and we began using meth together.

     After a year I moved in with her and the addiction began taking its toll on us. We were both hearing voices, paranoid and delusional. We decided to make a bold move and get away from everything and “go for a drive.” We drove from Philadelphia to Seattle, Seattle to San Francisco, San Francisco to Denver. A road trip with a fellow meth addict in a Kia Soul turns a road RAGE trip quickly I found out.

     While in Denver, Rebekah announced, “I’m pregnant.”

     We drove home to Philadelphia, I went into rehab, we both got sober, got an apartment, got a job, had a homebirth on February 12th of 2024 and our daughter, Lucy, came into the world AND IF CHANGING ONE SINGLE INSTANCE out of that whole debauchery I used to call a life meant that Lucy would not exist…..I wouldn’t change a fucking thing. Not one single, solitary thing. I would gladly do it all over again.

     I accept my past with all its hardships and irresponsibility for it produced the most beautiful thing I have in my life. I accept my addictions for they lead me to the woman that gave me the greatest gift I could have ever received. I am a father to a beautiful 10-month-old daughter and all that shit in the past… well it’s in the past. It doesn’t matter. It only mattered when I couldn’t change it. It’s difficult to appreciate and remain in the present moment when we don’t accept it. There’s a difference between being in the present moment and being in bondage to the present moment.

     Appreciation for the present moment only exists when WE own IT. If you can’t own it, change yourself within it. Change your perception towards it. I never appreciated the present moment because I could never own it. It always owned me. I was a slave to circumstances, desires and attachments. Our TI experience can seem like we’re enslaved. But, ultimately, I came to find all I was enslaved to was the unconscious processes of the mind that I was previously unaware of. This phenomenon drew me into the darkness that resides in the hidden arena of my mind. It didn’t matter that I didn’t like what I found. It was mine to own, face, accept, forgive, overcome and push forward.

     All of the hardship I faced in life stands for nothing if I remain stuck in it. My story would have remained one of turbulence and torture and not triumph. I never would have learned to be thankful for the trials and tribulations because my present moment would still consist of trial and tribulations. A lot of what I write is just a means to offer an alternative perspective when looking at yourself in relation to this TI experience. If their goal is turn you against yourself, that goal becomes difficult to accomplish if you accept yourself. Accepting yourself requires facing all you are and all you've ever been and have ever done in complete unabashed transparency, leading to pragmatic forgiveness and ultimately acceptance. This acceptance of the entirety of self (past and present) evolves into your inner monologue becoming one of realistic self-talk. Realistic self-talk is non-negotiable. The argument occurring in your inner dialogue ends. There's nothing to talk about. You’ve arrived in the present moment. 

     What am I?

     I am a father, a partner, a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, an employee, a tenant, a son, brother, neighbor and, yes, an Experiencer. Those are my roles. My present moment curriculum. Throughout the course of my day, I am actively engaged in one of those roles or several of those roles simultaneously. I remind myself, “In this moment you are exactly where you are supposed to be.”

     My daughter uses cloth diapers and my job, after Rebekah changes her, is to take the dirty diaper into the tub and wash it out. In that moment as I’m rinsing shit out of her little diaper, I remind myself, “As a father, you are currently doing the greatest thing you could be doing with your life right now.” As a recovering drug addict, every day I stay sober, I remind myself, “I am doing the greatest thing I could be doing with my life.”

     So, the question for this step is, “With the many roles you assume throughout the course of your day, are you doing the greatest thing you could be doing with your life right now?” That’s a tough question to ask ourselves and an even tougher one to answer. Most of my life I wished I was doing more, or better. Yet the very act of wishing I was doing more was an unacceptance of my present moment. I could never deal with the present moment because my mind was never here. I mean, my body was here, but my mind was always discontented and elsewhere. I was always either hyper focused on the past, which was the direct cause of my shame, regret, guilt and embarrassment, or I was hyper focused on the future, which the direct cause of my anxiety and worry. Which sucks, because I’m in control of neither! Always fixated on something I am not in control of (sound familiar TI’s?) was the direct cause of unappreciation. I couldn’t appreciate the present moment, which is the only place I ever was, because I didn’t know how to be here.

     I often feel my unappreciation of the present moment initially began as an over appreciation of the present moment. I used to live for the moment and that led to overindulgence ultimately leading to attachments. For all the years I spent attempting to enhance the present moment by doing more, eventually I learned that the present moment is most enhanced by stopping!

     I stopped trying to make it something other than what it is. What it is, is already exactly what it is supposed to be. The drug use, the alcohol and the pretentious display of life was all the shit that I added because I failed to recognize it for what it was: Mine to own as is. Not as I see fit. My roles are best fulfilled when I get out of the way! It’s a very paradoxical thing that occurs when we learn to own something by getting out of the way. But this is the nature of Wu-Wei. Action of non-action. Effortless effort. Less is more.

     I often struggle with the question, “Had I realized this years ago, would Lucy exist?” I remind myself, “I realized this right on time.”

Step Eleven: We Set The Intention To Not Be Provoked By External Or Psychological Stimuli

     This step is about the process of detachment. Complete and total detachment. What does that entail exactly? Abandoning all expectations, desires and hopes that this occurrence will ever manifest into something other than what you’ve learned by the experience itself. A quote by Carl Jung describes the necessity of complete abandonment well; “Therefore we say that if you give the little finger to the devil, he takes the whole arm, and finally the whole body.”

     The nature of the phenomena we’ve encountered appears to be rooted in chaos, confusion and suffering. The answers it provides to an individual are only relevant to the individual and those that believe the individual’s analysis of their experience as they relate to it. It’s as if its very existence relies on our response to its provocations. The greater the response the greater the tether. Some people may never complete this step because they have unfulfilled expectations. They've placed expectations on something they know nothing about and are willing to put up with being tortured to see that unrealistic expectation come into fruition. “I went through hell and all I got was this lousy T-shirt?”

     I’ve experienced great lows and great highs with this tumultuous relationship, but none of the experience offered a thorough explanation into the nature of phenomena or its origin. It remains a mystery. I’ve shared multiple times in the past that this phenomenon manifested in seemingly impossible ways: apparitions, astral projection, UAP’s, orbs, visions and chakra openings. And as beautiful as those incidents were in the moment, NONE of it explained a damn thing! It only added to the confusion in my mind and left me increasingly curious and frustrated. The only insight gained was the knowledge that those things exist.

     The paranormal activity that occurs with a lot of us is enough to keep us romanticizing the ordeal but only serves to keep us tethered to it. The goal with these steps is very simple: Complete and total separation. Silence. Nothingness. Returning to a point where contemplation occurs without commentary requires devaluing this unknown presence in your mind and setting a goal to achieve 00.00.

     Let’s say when this experience was at its worst, it was at 100.00. Every day as you began to work on yourself, practice mindfulness and make appropriate changes in your life it counts down: 99.99, 99.98, 99.97, 99.96 and so on… Yes, this can be a long process, but often numbers are skipped depending on the work we put in. Sometimes we get down 50.00, only to have it cranked back up to 75.00 just to see how we respond.

     The only answers I’ve found were by examining the experience itself and how it has similarly played out in the lives of others. The symptoms and applied methodology of the Targeted Individual experience are shared amongst a large body of people located across the globe. The sequence of events for those that recover becomes evident when viewed as a whole: First we come in contact with it. Then we view ourselves in relation to it. Hopefully, we come to find no reflection of ourselves in it. Then we desperately attempt to detach ourselves from it.

     Fear. Fascination. Rehabilitation (optional). Fear (again).

     This sequence of events makes sense. We’re made to fear the changes we have made are being threatened and are not sustainable. But they are. They are meant to be valued by being threatened. “It” goes to great lengths to keep an individual tethered to chaos. And a chaotic mind will find comfort in chaos until the chaos becomes too great. Then the chaotic mind will desperately seek peace of mind while the phenomena desperately attempts to keep them tethered to chaos leaving the individual cherishing their newfound peace of mind. You are made to realize that equanimity is worth fighting for.

     Yet, that statement, “equanimity is worth fighting for” seems counterproductive to the nature of equanimity. This is a difficult trap for an individual that has dedicated themselves to transparency as the very nature of what we're attempting to unravel and rid our minds of is fundamentally deceitful. The more forthcoming an individual becomes, the more aversion is accumulated towards phenomena itself as it is persistently unreliable, immeasurable and Machiavellian. The mind will find itself engaged in a fight for tranquility.

     This step's foundation begins with the fundamental truth previously discussed: Whatever it is, it lies. It always lies.

     Even its truths have ulterior motives. The realistic statements that are spoken are just a means to gain your trust so it can lie again. Remember, it goes from friend to foe in a matter of sentences. Why do we lie? Because we fear the response from those that may become aware of something we're trying to conceal. Unless you’re telling a sarcastic story attempting to get a few good laughs, lying is entirely derived from fear. Deception is a byproduct of a fearful nature. It’s evident that this thing fears exposure and our awareness of its origin. 

     So, from the first fundamental truth we find another: 2) It is entrenched in fear. 

     It's frequency, vibration, energy, essence... whatever… is entirely rooted in fear. From that foundation of fear is built a construct of confusion, frustration, anxiety, worry, anger and chaos. Whatever it is, its essence is fear. Perhaps this is why it operates akin to exposure therapy? Its very nature is one rooted in fear and we are exposed to it temporarily so as to oppose it permanently.

     So, to stand opposed to it, is to stand opposed to fear and all it entails. This is why adopting spiritual, religious or philosophical precepts that are rooted in love, compassion and equanimity fare the individual well. There can be no reflection of you in it and no reflection of it in you. The fear you possess is reflective of its nature. Your anxiety is reflective of its nature. Negative energy resonates with negative energy. We are meant to face, resonate with, and overcome this influx of negativity thus becoming the strongest version of ourselves.

     I’m not even envious of the testimony from others saying their experience has been predominantly positive. Here’s why: What constitutes a positive experience with phenomena? Positive emotions? Emotions are like the humans that feel them - easily manipulated and impermanent. No emotion lasts forever. Freud said, “Our possibilities of happiness are already restricted by our constitution.” Meaning, the pursuit of pleasurable sensory experiences leads inevitably to a state of dissatisfaction, because it is in the nature of pleasure not to be sustainable. What is sustainable? Our perception of contentment; cultivated by equanimity.

     A lot of this comes down to learning how to not be so responsive. Learning how not to be so easily affected by your environment and circumstances. Those who fail to grasp this concept suffer greatly, often with sad and terrible consequences. They get stuck in a decades long battle of unmet expectations stemming from unrealistic entitlement, victimism and self-commiseration. They become nothing more than a byproduct of life, never quite able to take control of it for themselves.

     I'm in the process of deleting my mind and my speech from possessive adjectives when referring to "them." Using words like, “them, they, their, your, his, him, he, her or she” in my inner monologue gives human qualities to something that is inhumane. Everything “it” says is devalued greater when I do this. The emotional and mental attachment dissipates a little more. This step is meant to transition the mind from having an inner dialogue back to only having an inner monologue. Remember those days?

     A lot of us have a multitude of voices. Some seem nicer than others as if they have your back in fighting the other vulgar voices. Sometimes the nice voices turn mean, leaving us confused. Sometimes the mean voices say nice things only furthering the confusion. I’m reminded of a scene in the movie, “The Departed” while writing this. Jack Nicholson is sitting across from Leonardo DiCaprio in a restaurant booth, and they are discussing the possibility of one of the members of his crew being a rat and not knowing who it is. Jack Nicholson says, “Back in the day, I would just kill everybody and start over.”  I’m inclined to agree that disposing all of them is the only answer. Otherwise, we’re fated to be toyed with by some unseen force that absolutely refuses to identify itself.

     While mentally sorting through means of absolution, I no longer counter its statements under the premise of "this works" or "this doesn't work.” Instead, I counter under the premise, "this is truthful." The truth always works. Counter not under what is right or wrong, but what is honest. Honesty is always right. Truth and honesty stand opposed to fear and deceit. As you work through these steps, you’ll find yourself personifying the very rebuttals you have set up against the voices. You become the rebuttals. Having rebuttals that are grounded in honesty ensures the “you” that is being developed is unpretentious. This unpretentious version of you will find little need to argue or defend himself after a while but would rather simply exist “as is.” Your new nature naturally remains unprovoked by this mayhem.

     Living an honest life helps the mind not cling to the regret of yesterday and made me way less susceptible to being shamed into some unnecessary argument in my mind. It's for this reason AA is adamant in teaching, "when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it." An undefiled mind finds aversion within itself quickly when things aren't quite right and will have difficulty proceeding without rectifying an unresolved issue. 

     When I began living an honest life, I came to find that EVERYTHING it said was a lie. Even when it agreed with me, its agreements came with strings attached. Even when it says statements like, “You have a beautiful family, Kevin,” IT IS STILL A LIE!! Its truths are founded on lies. It’s the same as remaining in a toxic relationship with a partner just because the sex is good. You know damn well you’re going to be fighting after the climax.

     Eliminating the need to subconsciously refer to it for approval is a difficult undertaking as well. 17 months ago, my voices began counting (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…) every time I had a realization that they approved of. My brain still seeks this confirmation when reading scripture or writing. I don’t blame myself; my brain has been conditioned to expect confirmation in the form of counting after a certain realization. The problem with this is obvious: What the hell is “it” to confirm anything about me and my thought processes? Why should I give two shits what something that remains hidden and is either incapable or unwilling to identify itself thinks about my thoughts. If you really think about it, the whole notion is illogical and invasive.

     There’s only one voice amidst the cacophony of others that truly matters at this point: Mine. My voice is the only one that needs to be listened to. But this only occurred when the shadow work was tackled head-on, and I began trusting myself. Up until that point, my weak mind was susceptible to all sorts of ridiculous notions originating from unknown locations. Make no mistake about it, uprooting the deep seeded triggers and notions it has implanted is a long, arduous task that begins with step one.

     During a lecture given by Grand Master Chih-I, in 581 AD on Mara ("Evil" Influences), he said, “Should these disturbing conditions persist through many months, and even years, we must patiently continue to seek to control the states of our own minds; we must do so with the determination that knows neither fear nor pain. Falsehood must sooner or later yield to truth; the transformations that arise from evil influences must yield as surely yield to an earnest purpose and steadfast effort. In our practice of right mindfulness we realize that the conception of Mara as the embodiment of evil and the conception of Buddha as the embodiment of goodness and truth is really one conception—the conception of manifestation—but that in ultimate reality they balance each other and there remains only the conception of Dharmakaya (essence of the Absolute Buddha), the Ultimate Essence that abides in emptiness and silence.”

     Emptiness and silence. 00.00. That’s the only goal I see worthy of pursuit when dealing this madness. Anything else is falling short. Anything else is to remain stuck in a psychological cycle of cause and effect. Adamantly ignore them. Don’t be afraid to call it all lies and proudly recite the mantras, “I am not its mirror.” “I am enough.” “I trust myself.”

Step Twelve: We Continued Our Cultivation Of Equanimity And Helped Others Achieve Liberation By Sharing Our Experience And Growth.

     Our cultivation of equanimity (mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in difficult situations) began before we were aware. By unnaturally and consistently exposing a TI to the essence of fear without having the appropriate fight, flight or freeze response available, we naturally learn how to understand and bridle it. We learn to deal with extreme states of fear, panic, anxiety, worry, doubt and anger without responding in typical human fashion.

     By having no one to fight, nowhere to run, and no way to freeze, we learn to sit and examine the influence of fear that resonates with us. We come to understand that the slogan of the popular 1990's clothing brand, "No Fear" is impossible. But to "Know Fear" is entirely possible. We come to know fear in a very intimate way that predicates a rare form of success. In a conversation with another community member two weeks ago we discussed this "success" we gain. It's quite different from material, megalomaniacal, financial, sexual and physical success. We gain control of our minds, our impulses and ourselves.

     Buddha said, "Though one may conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, yet he is the noblest victor that conquers himself."

     This thing, whatever it is, entangles with our psyche and regurgitates all the darkness humanity unconsciously hides, and forces you to face it. Some people murder others, some kill themselves, some spend a lifetime looking for the culprit. But the noblest of us will conquer it by enhancing and personifying the light within, leaving no room for the darkness, yet accepting its existence only in contrast to our own.

     Some"thing" decided to cooperate with your uncooperation to show you how insignificantly significant you are. Some"thing" complied with your defiance to show you how valuable your worthlessness is. Some"thing" decided to deconstruct your construct to show you how disgustingly beautiful you are. It showed you the extremes and all that is in between with the intention you'd greet yourself in the silent middle. Having the ability to face all the ugliness we spend a lifetime hiding from is a blessing. I'm not going to say it's right. I'm not going to say it isn't terrible. I will say that when faced head-on, accepted and overcome, a stronger and more in tune version of you awaits on the other side ready to tackle whatever life has to dish out with unprecedented confidence. This I know for a fact.

     I understand that for a lot of people, getting through this ordeal, moving forward in life and never looking back may be the most desirable option. It's like walking away from a car wreck that should have taken your life and never wanting to return to the scene of the accident. That's completely understandable. I will say this though - The ordeal has greater meaning and deeper purpose when we take the time to help others get through it. When we take another TI under our wing and illuminate their path, our path is equally as illuminated. I'd like to encourage everyone that has drastically reduced their symptoms and returned to a balanced life to personally reach out to a struggling Targeted Individual THAT IS ASKING FOR HELP and offer your understanding.

     A lot of Experiencers that are new to this are still in a very manic, argumentative state of mind. Attempting to counsel such a person can be taxing on the emotional and spiritual state of the person offering assistance. Honestly, I've learned sometimes it's best to just let them be and not engage in a conversation. Everybody wants to be right and very few are willing to admit complete ignorance.

     It's taken me almost 18 months of sobriety, shadow work, changing my perception, self-acceptance, stability and routine to FINALLY start experiencing full days with no voices. It was a lot of work to attain this peace of mind! Yet, I lost count of how many individuals I've spoken to that after 2,5,7,10+ years just refuse to change their perception towards this and are still tormented 24/7.

     The importance of understanding subjective thinking in relation to phenomena and helping others is important. Confusion is used as a form of psychological warfare in such matters and truthful conviction is the remedy. But conviction remains powerless if the individual deems the awareness you offer as illogical, false and unreasonable. An individual only has as much power over this as his level of awareness allows. And that level of awareness is only powered by his level of conviction towards that awareness. Accumulated testimony or conjectured theories (thank you social media) allows for such beneficial or unbeneficial convictions when dealing with phenomena. It swings both ways.

     If I tell you, "The TI experience is an aggressive and unorthodox means of self-awareness and enlightenment," well, now you are in possession of a level of awareness that most are unaware of. However, if you don't believe that statement to be true, than the awareness is powerless. Your perception switches from the experience being a teacher that is only here for a season to a torturer that may last a lifetime. If you do believe this to be true, now that awareness has power backed by conviction and, reciprocally, so do you. When dealing with phenomena (which appears to be entirely subjective), it doesn't matter how much you think you know, what matters is how much you believe what you think you know is true.

     One more time: It doesn't matter how much you think you know, what matters is how much you believe what you think you know is true.

     Your perception shapes the experience and will either prolong it or shorten it. Your perception will determine the version of you that emerges on the other side. I wholeheartedly stand behind these steps as a means of cultivating a placid mind, a balanced community and a stable environment ensuring a person CAN get through this drastically better than when they started.

     If the 12 steps were to be read in a single cohesive paragraph, it would read like this:

     Even though I may not know exactly what is causing this, I'm dedicated to not responding in a way that will cause harm to myself and others. I understand this originates external to my environment and am dedicated to not taking any substances that may drastically alter my perceptions. I'm going to begin cultivating a spiritual or philosophical foundation to combat the contradictions that occur with having my mind manipulated. I forgive myself and seek forgiveness from others as I am dedicated to remaining free from the past and how I used to respond to this world and the evil that pervades it. This new, independently mindful me seeks to help others and augment the change that has occurred.

     When you read it like that, what's the worst that can happen? You don't embarrass yourself, get sober, implement a solid foundation for growth, understand what's happening to your mind, learn to forgive yourself, make amends, live in the present moment, get rid of the voices and help others accomplish the same thing?

     I truly believe we, as a community of like minded individuals, can reorient this experience in the lives of others simply by telling our stories and successes. The outward expression of an inward change is evidence enough for other communities to see the importance in cultivating a healthy perception. Thank you all for being a part of this community and taking the necessary steps to bring some light into the dark recesses of the Targeted Individual phenomenon.